Flashes

I try not to think about what Ningning is doing every second of the day. I try to think in broad strokes... that she is in good foster care, that she is ok. It doesn't always work. I am not traditionally a cryer. But lately, I have moments when tears just spring to my eyes. Sometimes it is when I am looking at her picture. Or when the lady at the NICE* daycare said she would do everything she could to get her in, that she would be joining two other little girls from China, and how nice that would be. Sometimes it's just when I'm driving to work. These spells come as brief, sharp, flashes. Flashes I feel must mean something. Maybe her foster mom is telling her about her new family coming to get her, and that everything will be ok. Those are good flashes. Then there are bad ones... something is wrong, she is sick. Mostly there are good flashes, connecting me in spirit to my daughter so far away. And these are all I have to hold onto, until I can hold onto her. *as opposed to the NOT NICE daycare, who said I'd never get a toddler in because "we grow our own here." NOT KIDDING.